Oooo! I love reading the little vignettes that make up "On the Cover" when Vanity Fair runs a gatefold. While nowhere do they address the most pressing question, which is, of course, "When was Scarlett Johansson cast as the lead in The Courtney Love Story?" there's so much else to glean. In fact, the thirteen women pictured on this month's cover are each in their own way so fascinating that every capsule bears a different byline. See for yourselves.
Julianne Moore: "It's O.K.," the silver screen's most haunting nurturer told her little admirers. "I'm just somebody's mom." [In fairness, it should be noted that the little admirers in question are in fact children, and not that midget Fox is trying to marry off.]
Jennifer Connelly: "...also a mom." And "a (gulp) self-destructive recovering alcoholic in 2003's highly acclaimed House of Sand and Fog." Gulp?
Gwyneth Paltrow: "...slipped into a sexy Narciso Rodriguez dress that accentuated her newly acquired curves, remarking, 'I'm not normally this voluptuous.' " Which is to say, "also a mom." Is there a lot of folic acid in a macrobiotic diet, I wonder?
Naomi Watts: "...kept up her customary breeziness during the shoot, camping out next to V.F.'s infamous 'candy bowl'--which is filled with free packs of cigarettes." You hear that Bloomberg? Remember, kids, not only is smoking cool, it suppresses your appetite. Just look at Graydon's svelte physique!
Salma Hayek: "...is finally looking like a full-blown Hollywood star." Yes, we noticed the rack. Also, she's Latina, so now our asses are covered!
Jennifer Aniston: "...was barely able to sleep the night before V.F.'s shoot, so nervous and flattered was she to have been included in this group of women." I love the passive voice. Do you think she and Gwynnie shared Brad stories?
Kirsten Dunst: "Dunst may be a feminist in real life, but she's flexible when it comes to fiction: in her latest film, Mona Lisa Smile, she plays a conservative 1950s Wellesley student trying to resist the nascent counterculture." Spoiler alert! Until the end, that is, when she leaves her husband to shack up with Maggie Gyllenhaal in Greenwich Village. Yeah, I didn't believe it, either. She is great in Small Soldiers.
Diane Lane: "...reminded everyone she's still a woman who knows her limits--by requesting a mid-shoot smoke break." She's so courageous! Hear that, Bloomberg?
Lucy Liu: "...a Queens native, energized the cover shoot by importing to L.A. the hurry-up-and-go vibe of New York." Also, cigarettes. And? Not white!
Hilary Swank: "...was first on hand to help a windswept Scarlett Johansson re-arrange her fairy-tale dress." Because she knows how lucky she was they didn't call Marisa or Mira.
Alison Lohman: "spent most of her time playing with the kids, including Annie Leibovitz's two-year-old daughter." Even in L.A., good help is hard to find. Right, Caitlin?
Scarlett Johansson: "Her deep voice, soulful gaze, and retro look belie her age." Everything else? Not so much.
Maggie Gyllenhaal: "was wary of the dress Annie Leibovitz had picked out for her." Yeah, what does that old bull dyke know about clothes, anyway? The cinetrix won't hear a word against MG. Who else looks so deliciously louche at all times?
