Trolling the worldwideinterweb recently, the cinetrix stumbled across this list, The Online Film Critics Society's "Top 100 Overlooked Films of the 1990s." And then, of course, I had to count how many of the 100 I hadn't seen. At all. I was willing to give points for films faintly remembered or viewed under adverse conditions. While I'd heard of every last one and nodding knowingly at our shared discernment as I read, totting them up I still hadn't seen, say, 41 of the 100 films. Which is not even a passing grade.
Chagrined, I then came across this genius site, and everything was OK again, thanks to the Bartleby-style kung fu of this list: Recent films I considered seeing but didn't. The reasons are wide ranging and hilarious.
Dog Town and Z-boys: I totally would have seen this, but I didn't for reasons now forgotten.
Lost and Delirious - The New York Times says "...it often has a camp ludicrousness, evoking an "Afterschool Special" inspired by the pages of Penthouse Forum." I think they are trying to say it's not a good movie, but it sure sounds like a winning combination to me.
Master and Commander - Almost: Peter Weir. Didn't: Russel Crowe.
So, here are some of the movies I haven't seen on the overlooked list. Thing is, I worked in a video store in the late '90s, and I can still tell you which of these were my fellow employees' picks.
10 Um, because I saw Rosie Perez in Perdita Durango and still bear the scars.
13 Because I don't believe in rider mowers. Or lawns.
16 Three words: Fucking Tom Hanks. Alternately, Tom Fucking Hanks. Hate the smug bastard.
20 This one I truly regret. Why oh why isn't it on DVD?
21 Yeah, well, didn't see Ghost, either.
25 Brought it home, or maybe just brought home another movie with this one's trailer on it. Don't like horror. Sue me.
27 I am a pussy. Yeah, I know it was his last film.
29 I made the mistake of watching Farrah Fawcett's body painting Playboy video first.
30 No good reason. I apologize. Sometimes I'm not looking for uplift.
31 Back off. It's on the queue.
32 I saw the beginning on televison. Does that count? Somehow associated with Death Becomes Her in my head.
34 Cage was still on my shit list. He usually is.
35 Nice opening credit sequence, which I saw plenty when I worked at the art house. Hell, I didn't see Sonatine, either. Or any Sonny Chiba flicks. Settle down, fanboys.
36 Too fucking scary. Also, Vietnam. Also, Robbins reminds me of Baby Huey.
41 Dead stripper. Vegas. Had to reshelve this one too many times. It was on a low shelf, too.
42 I have no idea why not. Who doesn't love Weimar?
43 The way Laura Dern's face crumpled when she cried at the end of Blue Velvet scarred me for life.
45 The little kids always had it out. Watched Kiki's Delivery Service over and over instead.
48 How many mook movies can a person reasonably be expected to watch?
50 Duh. Hello, Costner?
OK, now that the cinetrix has shredded any semblance of street cred she may have feigned, she's gonna spare subjecting you to her omissions from the bottom 50. Trust us, it's for the best.
Oh, the shame. But I also feel strangely clean.
