A horde of holiday revelers is about to descend, so the cinetrix is leaving you in the capable hands of Alan P. Smithee. Enjoy the weekend, kids.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
This fall, I'm headed to college, and can you believe I've never seen a movie about college life?
Could you please recommend some classic college movies for me to have a look at before I kiss Mom and Dad goodbye in August?
Catherine B------, Atlanta
Dear Rising Freshman,
Oh, how I recall chillin' at the cribus maximus whilst my young charges, D.W. and Cecil B., pursued learning of the higher kind.
I am sure, my little Catherine, that your parents will miss you ever so greatly as I know I do my own formerly wee sons.
But with that said, please understand that while you will experience the joy and wonderment of a new place, dear old Mom and Pop will be at home worrying about you and loving you, but still ultimately shouting, "Freedom!"
I am not sure how you have spent a young life to date without ever seeing a movie involving college. What in the name of Godard have you been doing with your time? Studying?
You have a lot of catching up to do and, thankfully, plenty of time to cram before fall.
On your absolute-must list: "Animal House."
It is no accident that there is but one film on your absolute-must list. That is because there is no film as important, as vital, as illustrative, as meaningful … well, you get the idea.
On your must list: "Good Will Hunting," "Wonder Boys," "Breaking Away," "Love Story," "The Paper Chase," "School Daze," "Revenge of the Nerds" and "Scream 2."
On your interesting-but-not-essential list: "Abandon," "Horse Feathers," "Hoop Dreams," "Rudy," "Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?," "Van Wilder," "The Rules of Attraction," "PCU," "Higher Learning" and "Drumline."
On your see-it-at-your-own-risk list: "Mona Lisa Smile," "One on One," "Legally Blonde," "Threesome" and "From Justin to Kelly."
Once you have completed all of those, Catherine, you should be prepared to absorb the truth and knowledge in the most important college film of our time - "The Graduate."
Feel free to contest your grade in the comments. And in your evals, feel free to suggest what the profs should be watching. [We're guessing Madchen in Uniform is out. Educating Rita? My Fair Lady?]