In the doldrums of worthwhile new releases that is January, the New York Times' film critics succumb to winter discontent.
Witness A.O. Scott's lede for his review of Smokin' Aces:
"F.B.I.! F.B.I.!" Blam blam blam blam. "[Expletive]. [Expletive]." Blam blam blam. Spurt of blood. Plot twist. "F.B.I.! F.B.I.!" "[Expletive]." Blam blam blam blam blam. "[Expletive]." "F.B.I.!" "Hotel Security!" Blam. Exploding skull. Guy sits on a chain saw. Montage. [Expletive]. Plot twist. Roll credits.
Funny stuff, Tony. He helpfully goes on to offer
Watching it is like being smacked in the face for a hundred minutes with a raw sirloin steak. By the end, there's blood everywhere, a bad smell lingering in the air, and vegetarianism — or starvation or blindness — starts to look like an attractive option.
[Yo, Biff Grimes called. He says back off my beat, bitch.]
Reviewing Seraphim Falls, Stephen Holden turns in his usual, plot summary-heavy prose. The last line
It’s like being importuned by carnies while on your way to church.
gets a close, but no cigar from the cinetrix, who couldn't shake the image of the Bindlestiffs busking outside of St. Patrick's.
But the winner of the Ennui Awards is Jeanette Catsoulis. The stringer has both staff critics beat this week. [Manohla's filing from Sundance.] Check out her take on lame sci-fi indie From Other Worlds:
...Joining forces, they track down a garrulous alien who instructs them — in a vocal hybrid of Liberace and the police inspector from "Young Frankenstein" — on how to save the world. Instructions on how to save the script are not forthcoming.
Flirting with fantasy, farce and social commentary and committing to none, the writer and director Barry Strugatz pads his film with ill-conceived characters (Melissa Leo as a coy librarian) and embarrassing puns ("You've been acting really spaced out recently"). Meanwhile his two leads, displaying less chemistry than an American high-school transcript, stagger toward their respective awakenings like dazed lemmings in a movie that never finds a consistent tone.
I think that means she didn't like it.
The cinetrix said it before and she'll say it again. Weeks like this she's glad she retained her amateur status and doesn't have to sit through "a movie that may not only be dumb in itself, but also the cause of dumbness in others."
Enjoy the weekend, kids.
